Testimony of grace within conflict

There is a question that relentlessly pounds against the interior of my soul: How could I ever, EVER doubt or distrust the One whom my soul loves?
There are points in my life where this just leaves me in tears. I know the Lord doesn't expect me to follow or trust Him perfectly. After all, that's why He is so amazing. Our God is dear and merciful to us. I know that He is instructing me in this, which is a life-long process. However, while there are all sorts of basic answers throughout Scripture for this that give a measure of comfort, the truth is that I do doubt my Lord all the time. And this brings me much grief and anguish.
I love Him so much that I want greater measures of all that He is welling up inside my soul! Yet, within the next second, I can be so downcast and discouraged, due to some circumstantial disturbance, that I begin to dwell on all the needs that aren't yet provided for or all the struggles that have not yet found a resolve (and not just the concerns of myself and immediate family, but I will begin to think upon all the needs of friends or those within the Body, all of whom I know are struggling spiritually/emotionally/financially/physically), though prayers have been lifted up for months. I think on all the ways that He has been silent, and all the days that He didn't answer (or, at least, not in the way that I thought He should) when a great and terrifying need arose. And, it's in the moments, when I'm confronted with harsh surroundings, that I turn away, in fear that the lie that He is silent and uncaring will entrap me. I immediately start filling myself with the reality of who He truly is. Psalm 145 and 146 makes His character so wonderfully clear to me in the struggle. Yet, at times, it is as if my soul refuses to feed on Truth. And those are moments that are hardest to bear. How can I be so frustrated with Him and, yet, so frustrated with myself for being frustrated at Him? It feels like an airway to my soul is so stuffed with the garbage of emotions and thoughts that I have to take the time to cry it out. Where I initially sought to do some "real" praying, I soon found myself doing a lot of crying. And, it's then that I realize that tears are prayers, too. God doesn't want a bunch of good words and scheduled prayer time to intercede for others in the place of a humbled and contrite heart. Intercession will usually flow from that time and not always precede it.
Even as I write all of this (and still wrestling through bits of this), I am remembering a special way in which my Lord did bless me recently. Since leaving college, I have felt confused as to what I should pursue in regards to a job. Everyone knows that I'm almost-incapable of holding a real job, due to the fact that money is not a great enough motivator for me, as well as the fact that I don't handle certain types of stress very well. I'm also much too old-fashioned and particular for my own good. I'm a person that needs a meaningful job. A job that involves serving. A job that doesn't feel like a job at all (thus why missionary stories attract me so much). Not that 9-5 dull-drum. So, I found myself in a rather complicated situation. I was wondering if I should just learn to do the things I don't like to do and learn how to be "normal" like everyone else. Naturally, as soon as the thought entered my mind, I shut it down.
Self, I will never be normal!!! NEVER. Oy.
Thus, my next goal was to find myself a job that did involve serving and caring for others. Nanny was my first choice, since I have more recently felt a draw to find more experience with children. Care giving for the elderly was my second choice, since I have done a bit of that before and found it quite rewarding. Recently, some dear friends of mine have been pursuing CNA classes and sharing with me about their endeavors. After doing some extensive research on how to become a certified nurse assistant (it wonderfully involves ZERO college experience) and what the actual position entails, I found myself torn for awhile, not sure if this was something I should eventually prepare to do. However, months slipped by with no direction or answers. I made some small preparation and pursuits toward becoming a nanny, but I was not met with any available positions that matched my schedule. Since a friend of mine was visiting this month during the weekdays, I knew that it would be best to wait to secure a job position after our time together. Well, over the months, after being a bit flustered with having to pursue a part-time care position, I knew God was pressing me to wait.
Yep. Just like every other department in my life right now. Wait.
Naturally, I wasn't happy. But His pressing was firm and I knew I was only going to continue running into a wall of frustration if I attempted pursuing a job on my own. Also, apart of me was still torn about pursuing a nanny position versus CNA training. All I could do was learn the virtue of patience.
The Sunday morning of the week that my friend came to visit, I received an e-mail request from a mother of three (through a care-giving network website) if I would be interested in taking care of her sons. She provided some details and the location, all of which fit very well into what I had been hoping and praying for. In addition, she mentioned that she was Christian, which was a pleasant blessing. I immediately responded and within a few short hours we connected over phone and planned to meet near the middle of the week. From her first e-mail, I had a good sense that this was the position for me. However, it wasn't until our first meeting that the Lord confirmed this. As she spoke to me about what type of caregiver she hoped for her sons, it seemed like everything fell neatly together. She wanted someone who would become part of their family and not look upon this position as a job, someone who is willing to pour into her kids' lives and seek to be dependable and faithful. All I could think was, "That's exactly my heart!" Then, after I answered her questions, she shared that she had been lifting up prayer for this need. It took me a second to react, but I immediately shared with her that I, too, had been praying for the Lord to reveal the family He purposed me to work with. We both became quite elated.
God is good, and there is never a need to small or seemingly petty to Him (e.g. the axe-head story in 2 King 6:1-7)
What a wonder it is to think two people, who didn't even know each other existed until a week and a half ago, were lifting up the same prayers, prompted by the Spirit! And, how wonderful it is that He chose us for each other and pressed me to wait until He should lead her to find my profile-page and contact me at the appropriate week, when I would be finally available for a part-time job!
This is the desire that the Lord placed in my heart while I was at Ellerslie in Summer '10. Tired of living a life after my flesh and disappointed with friends and people, I wanted to find a new approach to life and relationships. During my time at Ellerslie, I not only witnessed answered prayers, but I heard testimony after testimony of God faithfully providing and leading His children when they were fully surrendered to the will of His Spirit. Whether it was for a small, "insignificant" matter (like finding someone's lost ring in the sand at the volleyball court! True story, haha!), money for this or that, knowledge and answers to pursue the correct path for jobs/education/ministry, wisdom for matters concerning relationships, etc etc.
Yes, I thought, this is right. Christ must be intimately orchestrating every detail and we must be fully bent to the Spirit.
I finally found the true life of faith that I had been looking for all along. But this life of faith continually dwells in the state of surrender. Post-Ellerslie, this has been rough. I don't have a large church body to wake up to every single today and pray or worship with. I don't have sisters who will come alongside me and wrap me with prayer every day. I don't have leaders who will help keep me accountable. To be honest, Ellerslie is such an easy place to learn surrender because of the spiritually-soaked environment there. Now, that's good, because that is exactly what Ellerslie is about. However, Ellerslie-living isn't real life. It's just a set-apart season to prepare souls for real life. Nevertheless, there has been so much I have had to learn over and over again since returning from Ellerslie. I have found that surrender isn't a one-time thing for each particular issue or struggle. Surrender is the state in which a Christian abides and deepens in over time, swallowed up into the will of the Father.

In seeing the way He led me through this job struggle, which I'm sure I will encounter again throughout life, I was humbled. I left the meeting with the mother very much in awe of my Father's faithfulness. All I desired was an answer to the matter. I wasn't expecting Him to write out these lovely details. Yet, He did, because He so loves. His desires for us are only the best.
Oddly enough, I still found myself with plenty of questions after His orchestrating of all this. I know how wrong that sounds, but the questions remained: Why does our Father provide for the "small" things over the larger, more pressing, immediate needs (the ones that involve the health and healing of hurting hearts and souls to find peace)? Why does our Father seem to tarry for those who need SO much of Him, and yet He seems quicker to provide for temporal issues?
He has good purpose to work this way. My heart is sad because I want to see Him work the "big" things, but, as I wait, I'm filled with joy by the "little" blessings and provisions. He reminds me that my desire for Him to work the impossible is right and good, and that He is willing to do it. But I must wait, because the story is coming together in all the appropriate details that His hand has written.
Today, He gives me faith enough to trust Him for the big things. O Yeshua, that alone makes me love You so!
I find a great deal of comfort in the story where Jesus heals a boy with an unclean spirit. I often feel like I'm the father of the boy. There are many times when I believe in who He says He is and what He can do, but with all the uncertain circumstances and conflicting emotions/thoughts within myself, I find myself crying out to Him, "I believe, help my unbelief!"

And someone from the crowd answered him, “Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able.” And he answered them, “O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me.” And they brought the boy to him. And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. And Jesus asked his father, “How long has this been happening to him?” And he said, “From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, “You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.” And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, “He is dead.” But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose. And when he had entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, “Why could we not cast it out?” And he said to them, “This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer and fasting.”

(Mark 9:17-29 ESV)

The ironic part of my whole "job" story is that I am caring for the three most difficult boys I have ever encountered. They have given me nothing but a rough time since I started last week. But it is so fitting! I am learning a lot about myself in my Father's eyes by caring for them every day.

I desire the heavenly stamp of His design and approval upon all my earthly affairs, so that I may always tell of His wonders to His others. I want every detail of my life so divinely composed that it will be completely apparent as to Who rules my life and has won my heart.

Abba is righteousness in all His ways. He keeps faith forever.

The early hours

Ah, morning. The most significant hours of the day!

I dearly yearn to be one of those strange people that wake up at 5:00am and manage to be greatly productive in the early hours of the day. I don't imagine I'll ever become so disciplined, but I do wish that 7:00/7:30/8:0ooam wasn't such torture for myself. By nature, I'm a night owl. Thus, I shall always be. However, I'm sure I'll continue to complain about it for the rest of my life! ha! I'm constantly challenged by this spiritual discipline because of how difficult it is for me to adjust to the morning hours. Lately, I have had to recall a helpful passage by George Mueller concerning Scripture meditation and prayer. I remember the mark it left in my mind several years ago when I was first coming to learn of the Christian devotional life. Even still, I'm pressed by these words. Feasting upon God should not be a brief affair in the morning. Nor should it be dull or directionless! The challenge is to make this your ONE thing that you pour energy into and, yet, it also requires a patient dependence upon the Spirit to warm and humble your heart. Day by day by day by day...to set to make this the one part of your life which will never alter or change in the importance or scheduling of it. Many have set first importance upon other things, but we, Christians, are different people. We are stranger and sojourners in this world. We set first importance to getting our souls satisfied in our Maker. We set first importance to the strength and richness of our souls! And this comes by way of careful meditation in the early hours of each day.

‎"Above all things see to it that your souls are happy in the Lord. Other things may press upon you, the Lord's work may even have urgent claims upon your attention, but I deliberately repeat, it is of supreme and paramount importance that you should seek above all things to have your souls truly happy in God Himself!..." ‎"...Day by day seek to make this the most important business of your life. This has been my firm and settled condition for the last five and thirty years. For the first four years after my conversion I knew not its vast importance, but now after much experience I specially commend this point to the notice of my younger brethren and sisters in Christ: the secret of all true effectual service is joy in God, having experimental acquaintance and fellowship with God Himself." "But in what way shall we attain to this settled happiness of soul? How shall we learn to enjoy God? How obtain such an all-sufficient soul-satisfying portion in him as shall enable us to let go the things of this world as vain and worthless in comparison? I answer, This happiness is to be obtained through the study of the Holy Scriptures. God has therein revealed Himself unto us in the face of Jesus Christ" "Now in brotherly love and affection I would give a few hints to my younger fellow-believers as to the way in which to keep up spiritual enjoyment. It is absolutely needful in order that happiness in the Lord may continue, that the Scriptures be regularly read. These are God's appointed means for the nourishment of the inner man. . . .Consider it, and ponder over it. . . . Especially we should read regularly through the Scriptures, consecutively, and not pick out here and there a chapter. If we do, we remain spiritual dwarfs. I tell you so affectionately. For the first four years after my conversion I made no progress, because I neglected the Bible. But when I regularly read on through the whole with reference to my own heart and soul, I directly made progress. Then my peace and joy continued more and more. Now I have been doing this for 47 years. I have read through the whole Bible about 100 times and I always find it fresh when I begin again. Thus my peace and joy have increased more and more." "I saw that the most important thing I had to do was to give myself to the reading of the word of God, and to meditation on it. . . . What is the food of the inner man? Not prayer, but the word of God; and . . . not the simple reading of the word of God, so that it only passes through our minds, just as water runs through a pipe, but considering what we read, pondering over it, and applying it to our hearts." "... that thus my heart might be comforted, encouraged, warned, reproved, instructed; and that thus, by means of the Word of God whilst meditating upon it, my heart might be brought into communion with the Lord... The first thing I did (early in the morning), after having asked in a few words the Lord's blessing upon his precious Word, was, to begin to meditate on the Word of God, searching, as it were into every verse to get blessing out of it; not for the sake of preaching on what I had meditated upon; but for the sake of obtaining food for my soul. The result I have found to be almost invariably this; that after a very few minutes my soul has been led to confession or to thanksgiving or to intercession or to supplication; so that though I did not as it were previously, give myself to prayer but to meditation yet it turned almost immediately more or less into prayer. The difference then between my former practice and my present one is this: Formerly when I arose I began to pray as soon as possible and generally spent all my time till breakfast in prayer or almost all the time... But what was the result? I often spent a quarter of an hour or half an hour or even an hour on my knees before being conscious to myself of having derived comfort, encouragement, humbling of soul, etc; and often, after having suffered much from wandering of mind for the first ten minutes or a quarter of an hour or even half an hour, I only then began really to pray. I scarcely ever suffer now in this way. For my heart being nourished by the Truth, being brought into true fellowship with God, I speak to my Father and to my Friend (vile though I am, and unworthy of it!) about the things that He has brought before me in his precious Word. It often now astonishes me that I did not sooner see this point... (some years later he writes) I generally read after family prayer large portions of the Word of God when I still pursue my practice of reading onward in The Holy Scriptures, sometimes in the New Testament and sometimes in the Old and for more than thirty-nine years I have proved the Blessedness of it. I take also either then or at other parts of the day, time more especially for prayer." ~ George Mueller

Secondly, I have re-learned the significance of daily worship as a part of morning meditation and prayer. As A.W. Tozer puts it, "Without worship, we go about miserable." I feel as if this truth is addressed to me. With hearts bent to worry and doubting, worship is a NEED. I need eyes off of myself and life's problems. And worship is what enables me to focus upon my God on those days when my insides are racing and discontent.

It is delightful to worship God, but it is also a humbling thing; and the man who has not been humbled in the presence of God will never be a worshiper of God at all. ~ A.W. Tozer

The Psalms speak of these things as well. David continually raises his petitions, praises, and prayers by the morning light!

O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch. ~ Psalm 5:3

But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. ~ Psalm 59:16

Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. ~ Psalm 90:14

Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. ~ Psalm 143:8

Lord, renew these precious truths in me, day by day!

If I fail to spend two hours in prayer each morning, the devil gets the victory through the day. I have so much business I cannot get on without spending three hours daily in prayer. ~ Martin Luther

He who runs from God in the morning will scarcely find Him the rest of the day. ~ John Bunyan

Looking

Looking for Your presence

It's time to seek Your face

May the windows of heaven

Open up today

Let us flow with your rhythm

The Spirit and the Word

And pick up your burdens

Walk the land and pray

Carrying You

Carrying You

Into the City streets and homes

Carrying You

Carrying You

We hear the footsteps of the Lord

Can Your heavy glory...

Can Your heavy glory...

Can your heavy glory...

Rest on me?

And the name of the City from that day shall be - THE LORD IS THERE.

And He said My presence shall go with you.

For God has planted them strong and graceful oaks for His own glory.
(Ezek 48:35b; Exo 33:14, Isaiah 61:36)

...always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. (2 Cor 4:10)

Song by Godfrey Birtill, from the album Outrageous Grace.

Put in the Fire for the Sake of Prayer

I was going through a bunch of old notebooks yesterday with the intent of finding notes that I had remembered taking on a prayer sermon from John Piper, as well as notes from Jonathan Edward's Religious Affections. It has been on my heart to compose a post specifically on prayer, discipline, and trials and how they are related. Most of these are direct quotes as well as notes from his sermon. It is a wonderful sketch of the prayer life found in the Gospel of John. First, he begins with some foundations on prayer.

Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it. ~ John 14:13-14

Jesus connects praying with the glory of God with Himself as mediator. God is glorified in answering prayer; therefore, the aim of prayer is the glory of God. If we pray a me-prayer (my importance, my wants, my interests, my pursuits) and don't implicitly mean "Hallowed be Thy name" - that is not God-honoring prayer. The Lord protects this verse from selfish prayer.

If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. ~ John 15:7-8

That's the qualification. The words of Christ should live in us. We should be so immersed in His Gospels and the NT that our thinking is transformed and we are able to discern the will of God. The asking is about fruit - Lord make me more loving, patient, humble, and servant-hearted!

Verse 16 connects 7 and 8.

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. ~ John 15:16

In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full. ~ John 16:23-24

Prayer is for our joy. God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.

The thing about prayer that I have been wrestling with is keeping the right mindset about it. In fall '09, upon acceptance into Ellerslie: School of Honor, I was challenged by Steve Gallagher to begin my days in prayer. He didn't give me a time set, but he stressed to me the need to give the first moments of my day to the Lord. Naturally, it was difficult at first. For months I struggled with focusing my morning's on Christ. It seemed like my prayers were so weak and dry and short. I wanted to grow in my prayers, but it seemed nearly impossible. Well, living around prayer-filled people for 11 weeks at Ellerslie certainly changed that. All of sudden, I found I was hungry. I wasn't dulled and bored by prayer anymore; I became inflamed with it through daily meditation on the Word and worship and fellowship. Yeshua became my dearest Beloved! Being around devoted brothers and sisters can humble you into such a place. Nevertheless, it's been an entirely different experience in the past several months for me. As this season in my life has made way for many trials and challenges, I have found this hunger in my soul to pray, but sometimes keeping it merely out of the discipline that I've obtained through the entire year and half of waking up early with one aim and motive. Oh sure, I can wake up at 7:30 (haha, it took months to break my 10:00 wake-up hour) and give an hour+ to Christ.....but, honestly, am I yearning for Him? Or, am I doing it out of self-discipline? I read this quote last month from Desiring God:

We don't need self-discipline to pray continuously; we just need to be poor in spirit. ~ Paul Miller

It convicted me that I do get up and pray some mornings out of a sense of duty. It's not that I wake up thirsty to drink from His fountain of Life, but rather that I know that if I don't pray, then my days aren't going to start off on the right foot. While the latter can be true, it's more than just beginning my day right. It's about this incredibly deep need that I have in me to know Yeshua, to draw all life, love, and strength from His sweet presence. It's about the fact that I'm incredibly self-seeking and I have these awful, fleshy inclinations in me that need to be purified! It's about the fact that there are hurting people around me that need to know Christ's particular love for them through my allowing Christ to serve and love them through me, rather than to push them off, correct or rebuke them whenever they say hurtful or un-Biblical things, or deal impatiently with them. It's about Him having complete lordship over my life so that He would be on display in all my actions, words, feelings, thoughts, etc. And it's about Him being the first Love of my heart and life!

Try saying that to me in the morning. haha!

I need to preach this reality to myself moment by moment or else I look away and become consumed with some frivolous self-interest.

So, is regular, disciplined, Christ-exalting, God-glorifying prayer a duty? John Piper powerfully states,

"It’s a duty the way it’s the duty of a scuba diver to put on his air tank before he goes underwater. It’s a duty the way pilots listen to air traffic controllers. It’s a duty the way soldiers in combat clean their rifles and load their guns. It’s a duty the way hungry people eat food. It’s a duty the way thirsty people drink water. It’s a duty the way a deaf man puts in his hearing aid. It’s a duty the way a diabetic takes his insulin. It’s a duty the way Pooh Bear looks for honey. It’s a duty the way pirates look for gold."

"Just as there are physical means of life, there are spiritual means of grace."

Amen, amen!!!

Now, perhaps one of the most beautiful and painful things about prayer is the way that the Lord often teaches it to us. John Piper explains that in Zechariah 13:8-9 we are told "one of the main ways that God awakens earnest prayer in his children, namely, in the refining fires of suffering. Don’t worry about when this passage is talking about. Just see, for now, how God works, and use this word to prepare yourself for God’s prayer school."

"Verse 8: “In the whole land, declares the Lord, two thirds shall be cut off and perish, and one third shall be left alive.” So the one third represents God’s remnant—his faithful, imperfect, weak people, who do not pray with the kind of discipline and desperation and joy, and hunger for God, that they should. So what is God’s remedy? What is his school of prayer? Verse 9: “And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested.” Notice carefully what is happening. In his great love, God saved the one third from being cut off with the two thirds who perished (v. 8). And then as part of his love for them, he puts them in the fire to be tested and refined. That is normal Christianity. “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you” (1 Peter 4:12)."

God rescues us from the flames of hell and puts us in the refining flames. He puts us in fire to awaken in us urgent prayer. We're not to teach Him how to teach. We submit to His school of prayer, not turn from it. This is His love.

In 1746, Jonathan Edwards wrote in his book, Religious Affections, "Trials are threefold benefit for true religion. It shows what is true religion. It distinguishes between what is true and false by testing. It not only manifests its truth but also enhances its genuine beauty and attractiveness. True virtue is loveliest when it is oppressed. It purifies and increases true religion. It frees it from false admixtures."

By the way, what he means by "religion" is true, Spirit-born, saving faith in Christ.

I cannot compare this season of trials to others or say it is harder than what others are currently going through. I can only submit, accept, and embrace the Father's loving purposes for this season. And Jonathan Edwards gives us good reason to embrace the hour of trial. We must remember this...

God's every motive in our life is love. He loves us too much to leave us how we are. ~ Eric Ludy

And to add to that, I would say that God is also working for our joy in Christ. I think this reveals to us that the opposite of joy is not suffering. It's despair in suffering. I want to be always patient in the hour of trial and testing.

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage;wait for the LORD! ~ Psalm 27:14

Prayer is for the soul whose one cry is for Christ! Always and only ever Christ. May every trial, no matter how great or small, awaken in us a more intimate devotion to Christ, instruct us how to pray by His Spirit, and burn away all that is not of Him!

Launch out into the Deep

I found these to be the perfects words to meditate on at the close of February.

Streams in the Desert - February 27 entry
"And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day."(Gen. 32:24.)
LEFT alone! What different sensations those words conjure up to each of us. To some they spell loneliness and desolation, to others rest and quiet. To be left alone without God, would be too awful for words, but to be left alone with Him is a foretaste of Heaven! If His followers spent more time alone with Him, we should have spiritual giants again.
The Master set us an example. Note how often He went to be alone with God; and He had a mighty purpose behind the command, "When thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray."

The greatest miracles of Elijah and Elisha took place when they were alone with God. It was alone with God that Jacob became a prince; and just there that we, too, may become princes─"men (aye, and women too!) wondered at" (Zech. 3:8). Joshua was alone when the Lord came to him. (Josh. 1:1.) Gideon and Jephthah were by themselves when commissioned to save Israel. (Judges 6:11 and 11:29.) Moses was by himself at the wilderness bush. (Exodus 3:1-5.) Cornelius was praying by himself when the angel came to him. (Acts 10:2.) No one was with Peter on the house top, when he was instructed to go to the Gentiles. (Acts 10:9.) John the Baptist was alone in the wilderness (Luke 1:80), and John the Beloved alone in Patmos, when nearest God. (Rev. 1:9.)
Covet to get alone with God. If we neglect it, we not only rob ourselves, but others too, of blessing, since when we are blessed we are able to pass on blessing to others. It may mean less outside work; it must mean more depth and power, and the consequence, too, will be "they saw no man save Jesus only."

Streams in the Desert - February 29 entry
"Launch out into the deep." (Luke 5:4.)
HOW deep He does not say. The depth into which we launch will depend upon how perfectly we have given up the shore, and the greatness of our need, and the apprehension of our possibilites. The fish were to be found in the deep, not in the shallow water.
So with us; our needs are to be met in the deep things of God. We are to launch out into the deep of God's Word, which the Spirit can open up to us in such crystal fathomless meaning that the same words we have accepted in times past will have an ocean meaning in them, which renders their first meaning to us very shallow.

Into the deep of the Atonement, until Christ's precious blood is so illuminated by the Spirit that it becomes an omnipotent balm, and food and medicine for the soul and body.

Into the deep of the Father's will, until we apprehend it in its infinite minuteness and goodness, and its far-sweeping provision and care for us.

Into the deep of the Holy Spirit, until He becomes a bright dazzling, sweet, fathomless summer sea, in which we bathe and bask and breathe, and lose ourselves and our sorrows in the calmness and peace of His everlasting presence.

Into the deep of the Holy Spirit, until He becomes a bright, marvelous answer to prayer, the most careful and tender guidance, the most thoughtful anticipation of our needs, the most accourate and supernatural shaping of our events.

Into the deep of God's purposes and coming kingdom, until the Lord's coming and His millennial reign are opened up to us; and beyond these the bright entrancing ages on ages unfold themselves, until the mental eye is dazed with light, and the heart flutters with inexpressible anticipations of its joy with Jesus and the glory to be revealed.

Into all these things, Jesus bids us launch. He made us and He made the deep, and to its fathomless depths He has fitted our longings and capabilities. 　　　　　　　　　　─Soul Food.

"Its streams the whole creation reach, So plenteous is the store; Enough for all, enough for each; Enough forevermore."

The deep waters of the Holy Spirit are always accessible, because they are always proceeding. Will you not this day claim afresh to be immersed and drenched in these waters of life? The waters in Ezekiel's vision first of all oozed from under the doors of the temple. Then the man with the measuring line measured and found the waters to the ankles. Still further measurement, and they were waters to the knees. Once again they were measured and the waters were to the loins. Then they became waters to swim in─a river that could not be passed over. (Read Ezekiel 47.) How far have we advanced into this river of life? The Holy Spirit would have a complete self effacement. Not merely ankle-deep, knee-deep, loin-deep, but self-deep. We ourselves hidden out of sight and bathed in this life-giving stream. Let go the shore-lines and launch out into the deep. Never forget, the Man with the measuring line is with us today.
--- John G. Machen

Psalm 119: The Instructional Psalm for the Life of a Set-Apart Disciple

The Psalms teach us how to think, live, feel, and pray. Our emotions are shaped and guided by them and they direct us into a pure and holy lifestyle. In the words of John Piper, “the purpose of the Psalms is to be shaped by God.” They renew our minds.
As I've been reading through Psalm 119 this past month, it dawned on me that this particular Psalm speaks boldly of a set-apart disciple. This disciple has nothing to do with trifles. His mind is undeniably focused. Walking obedient in the way of the Lord is his life.
Psalm 119 begins very simply by describing those who walk in the law of the Lord as "blessed." If we turn back to Psalm 1:1, we will find a description of a how a "blessed" man does not walk. We need to keep turning ourselves back to Psalm 1 as we read through Psalm 119 because the two are very intimately tied together.

Purity
"How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word."- Psalm 119:9
When a disciple is meditating on His word day and night and seeks Him through earnest prayer, a change begins to take place. God begins to grant this disciple "spiritual taste buds" for eternal, holy things. The disciple is suddenly no longer content with earthly pleasures. Such things will not suffice. He begins to see beyond the trifles of this world. His whole world of thinking, feeling, and living is purified as the Holy Spirit cleanses him. The way he communicates in his relationships and the way he organizes his lifestyle all speak loudly of the Holy Spirit's purifying work in his life. He no longer deals with things in a fleshly, self-seeking manner. All his life is taken up by his heart's sole desire to seek and glorify the Lord in all that he does.

Delighting

“Delight comes from significant beholding, searching, and lingering.” - John Piper
What do you delight in? What do you spend most of your time thinking about? Who do you spend most of your time with? Where and to whom is the gaze of your heart turned?
A disciple's sole delight is in God alone. We take note of this by reading how much this "blessed" man of Psalm 119 is very much in love with the Lord and His way.
Psalm 110:24, 35, 47-48, 162-164. Psalm 1:2.
The Lord's words are like honey to his mouth (119:103) and he pants for them (119:131). He considers them wonderful, therefore, his soul keeps them (119:129).
There is some serious delighting going on in this Psalm. And this is where our lesson lies: a true disciple seeks not earthly loves or pursuits, but all his/her energy, time, and heart is invested in the Lord.

Freedom
But what exactly are these pleasures and pursuits of the flesh that I keep mentioning? Anything that your heart seeks rest, enjoyment, and pleasure in. The simplest way to discern where your heart lies is to ask yourself, "When I am tired and exhausted - what/whom do I seek comfort in" or "When I am frustrated and troubled - what/whom do I go to for answers and rest?" It could be things as innocent and simple as watching movies, shopping, playing video games, music, internet, playing with the latest iPhone, texting away, food, particular people in our lives, etc. This list takes in anything or anyone that we're tied to and seek satisfaction in.
I can sense the rising protest already. Does this seem extreme? Is this too hard?
Some of us are called to rule these things out of our lives completely while others are not. The point is that many of us have become slaves to our movies, iPhones, texting, computers, games, music, clothes, hobbies, etc. These are the things that turn our head and take up our time. A disciple of the Word does not live this way. You can't be a disciple AND be tied to this world's toys. We are to be DISCIPLINED in every area of our lives. If you are not disciplined in this area than you are a slave to your flesh.
When we set out to stay our hearts on God and truly walk in His ways, we begin to taste the joys of being yielded to the Spirit and not the flesh. We are suddenly no longer slaves to the mindless pleasures and pursuits of our flesh which are always unsatisfying and leave our hearts empty and minds dull. When we run in the way of His commandments, he sets our hearts free (119:32) to live for eternal pleasures and be no longer slaves to trivial, fleshly toys and pursuits.

Prayer
A disciple prays like the "blessed" man of Psalm 119.
"Teach me, O Lord..."
"give me understanding..."
"lead me..."
"Incline my heart..."
"turn my eyes..."
"confirm to your servant..."
"Turn away reproach..."
(Psalm 119:33-39)
"deal bountifully with your servant..."
"open my eyes...."
(119:17-18)
"give me life..."
"strengthen me..."
(119:25-28)

His prayers are saturated with Biblical thinking and God-centered delighting. We know this because he spends time in meditation and memorization of the word - "I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you" (verse 11).
What are we storing in our hearts and minds? The lyrics to the latest album in our music collection? The lines to our favorite tv shows? The list of things we could be storing in ourselves is exhaustive. True disciples of Christ reflect Him while the rest of us just reflect our latest obsessions.

“We are not going to live if we’re not meditating and saturating ourselves in the Psalms day and night. If our souls aren’t being filled and replenished daily with the Word than we’ll just be brittle and frail and chaff-like (Psalm 1:4)."
“Form the habit of living in the Psalms so much that the world of your thinking and the world of your feeling would be transformed into full-blooded Biblical thinking and feeling.”
- John Piper

Trained Faith

I just made another entry on our main blog page: http://warriorpoets.wordpress.com/
I'll post it here:

Let my prayer be counted as incense before you, and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice! – Psalm 141:2

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers;but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of waterthat yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.
- Psalm 1:1-3

The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. - Psalm 145:18

Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.
- Psalm 143:8

We are a very distracted generation.
Let us be honest about ourselves. We do not seek our Lord with all our heart, soul, and mind. There is nothing in us that desires daily, sweet communion with our great Lover. We would rather be texting, watching TV, hanging with friends, spending time on the internet writing friends or researching, sleeping, eating, and the list can go on. We are very technology-oriented generation and while it is a great blessing, we have greatly misused it for our own self-interests. In fact, we misuse everything for our self-interest and comfort. Time is at the top of that list. Our lives are a vapor and we would rather spend the time so graciously given to us by having temporary fun or being idle. Jesus is not a priority to us. We need to stop pretending like He is.
When was the last time you earnestly cried with the Psalmist, “Let my prayer be counted as incense before you, and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice!”? Or, “Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.”?


He who runs from God in the morning will scarcely find Him the rest of the day. - John Bunyan

In the words of Leslie Ludy, “when prayer is missing from our lives, we spend countless time and energy trying to make our lives work, constantly failing and beating our heads against the wall in frustration. But as it says in Psalm 1, when we meditate upon our Lord day and night, we become like a tree that brings forth much fruit - and everything that we do just works. Our time is multiplied. Our effectiveness is multiplied. Our energy is multiplied. Life becomes fruitful instead of frustrating.
When our spiritual lives are thriving, when praying is the foundation of our existence, every other area of our lives begins to thrive as a result. Not only will we have victory in personal lives, we will be strong in order to pour out on behalf of others…” (Set-Apart Femininity)

When we are not seeking God earnestly, crying out from the depths of our heart, and pouring ourselves before Him, we can only expect to live an empty existence. Yes, when we’ve accepted Christ into our hearts the Holy Spirit has sealed us and we are assured of eternal life in Christ. But are we happy with just that? Is that all? Are we really content with living an empty, constantly-striving but fruitless existence on earth?
No. We are called to live by a much higher standard. It is the standard that Jesus Himself lived by every day of His life here on earth. He was in constant communion with the Father. He was sought after by many people, some wanted to kill him and some desired Him. He was a busy man with an ever-growing ministry. His attention was always seemingly “distracted.” But was it really?

And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed. – Mark 1:35

And after he had taken leave of them, he went up on the mountain to pray. – Mark 6:46

And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed… – Matt 26:39

Again, for the second time, he went away and prayed… - Matt 26:42

In these days he went out to the mountain to pray, and all night he continued in prayer to God. – Luke 6:12

Now Jesus was praying in a certain place, and when he finished, one of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John taught his disciples.” – Luke 11:1

And when he rose from prayer, he came to the disciples and found them sleeping…- Luke 22:45

In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. – Heb 5:7

Jesus built his life in sweet unity with his Father. Not for an instant was he ever away from God. God was in His Son, manifesting Himself to the world and giving us a pure and supreme example to live by! This is wonderful news! And we know that our bodies are a temple of God, a dwelling of the Most High, instruments of His righteousness! We are most certainly not alone. We can live by the standard Jesus himself lived by because the same Spirit dwelling within Him is now imparted unto us. It is what the early church was built on…

“And when they had appointed elders for them in every church, with prayer and fasting they committed them to the Lord in whom they had believed.” – Acts 14:23

And it is a continual exhortation in the letters….

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” – Romans 12:12

“….pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” – James 5:16

“Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.” – Col 4:2

“…praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints…” - Eph 6:18

“The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Phil 4:5 – 7

There is something deep and profound in this type of continually poured-out living. It is a complete denial of ourselves and a yielding to Christ every day of our lives. This is not about when we feel or think we need to do it. Never, ever allow yourself to listen to your flesh when it gives reasons (that seem valid at the time) as to why you should be doing anything or being anywhere else than on your knees and calling upon the Lord. We hear the phrase and are exhorted to be “prayer-warriors,” but rarely do we actually consider it. It’s not a special calling, it’s a life – and once you are in Christ, you are His alone and belong to nothing and no one else. He is your life. Therefore, devote yourself wholly onto Him.
This is where we begin to understand the higher calling of a trained faith.

Trained faith is a triumphant gladness in having nothing but God – no rest, no foothold – nothing but Himself – A triumphant gladness in swinging out into that abyss, rejoicing in a very fresh emergency that is going to prove Him true – The Lord Alone – that is trained faith. – Lilias Trotter.

The Word speaks of this trained faith…
Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe. – 1 Tim 4:7 - 10

We are called out of an immature, shallow basic belief in Christ and into a full-fledged leaning, clinging, living, crying, praying, speaking, walking, thinking, and feeling life in our dear Saviour! He calls us to “grow up” into Him. This means of a total abandonment of ourselves in every single area of our life, whether it’s struggles, desires, responsibilities, inward or outward…it belongs to Him because we belong to Him.
This “trained faith” was fully manifested in the life of Lilias Trotter, a women that, unfortunately, not many have heard of. She was an artist (painter) and a missionary to the Muslims of Algeria in the late 1800s. Now, here was a women fully taken up by the wonders of her Lord and she threw herself onto Him in complete devotion. These excerpts from her biography (A Passion for the Impossible by Miriam Huffman Rockness), which I highly recommend, describes her faith that kept her thriving despite severe spiritual and physical oppositions in a foreign world:

It was a trained faith that kept Lilias focused on the task and not the results or the uncertain future. It was trained faith that allowed her liberty of movement even when all the obvious avenues were blocked. And it was trained faith that would enable her to survive the arid stretch ahead.

The walk of faith that she proposed required a fellowship with the Father as current as breathing. This was no vague, mystical “communion” wrought of some secret formula. Quite simply, Lilias put the highest priority on spending time completely alone with God, studying His Word with an open heart and receptive to His voice – an activity requiring utmost commitment from her, given the many demands on her time. Just as she had found, in the early years, a quiet spot in a nearby woods, later she made sure a place of prayer was prepared in a rooftop room, “so beautifully out of the way of all the sounds of the house.” It was called the melja, Arabic for “Refuge,” and no one was to be disturbed there. Even within her summer breaks, rich with family and friends, she actively pursued “two weeks alone with God,” considering them essential to her soul.
“As an eagle…fluttereth over her young, spreadeth abroad her wings, taketh them, beareth them on her wings – so the Lord alone did lead him.” Fluttereth over – the early stages of faith are reaching upward, like the eaglets for their food when the motherbird is overheard… it is an older faith that learns to swing out into nothingness and drop down full weight on God – the broken up nest of former “experiences” left behind – nothing between us and the abyss but Himself – a rejoicing in every fresh emergency that is going to prove Him true – the Lord alone – that is trained fath. (9 September 1902).

Prayer had always been an essential spiritual discipline for Lilias. She was convinced the band could not survive the hostile atmosphere, much less succeed in their mission, without the divine guiding and empowering that comes from intimate fellowship with God. Just as she had found this fellowship, during the early years in Algiers in Fortification Woods and, later, in the rooftop room at Rue du Crossiant, now, at Dar Naama, her bedroom became her place of prayer.
Listening humbly to the experience of others and searching the Scripture for further insight into the process of prayer, Lilias continued to explore the mysteries of faith.
The text from one of her favorite hymns, “May the mind of Christ, my Savior, live in me from day to day,” was her heart prayer:
It has come these days with a new light and power, that the first thing we have to see to, as we draw near to God day by day, is that “our fellowship is with the Father & with His Song Jesus Christ.” If we can listen in stillness, till our souls begin to vibrate to the thing He is thinking & feeling about the matter in question, whether it concerns ourselves or others, we can from that moment begin praying downwards from His throne, instead of praying upwards toward Him. (21 March 1926)
Lilias was ever encouraging others to pray.

Here is a sister that we should be greatly encouraged by. If I were to cover the many, many details of her life and ministry it would blow your mind even more. I thank the Lord for sisters like her!
Starting now, let us begin to strive to “live in a manner worthy of our calling” and allow Christ to enable us to live by this high standard. Let us begin our days in prayer. Let us clothe ourselves in His Spirit and walk in it throughout the day. Let us end our days intimately woven in the Word of our Jesus.


Our praying needs to be pressed and pursued with an energy that never tires, a persistency which will not be denied, and a courage that never fails. - E.M. Bounds

Make no mistake; it is a hard and painful life. Our friends and family may not understand and we will be perceived as being too serious about this “Christ-business”. Many may see this life as too extreme. In addition, our flesh will rage at the first recognition of this change of lifestyle. The second we shut our hearts and minds off from distractions and temptations and call to Christ to light up our temple, we are guaranteed that a great battle will begin with us. But the more we deny ourselves and the longer and harder we cling to Christ and His Word, the easier and more beautiful this discipline of a trained faith will become. We are more than conquerers in Christ!!


There is no power like that of prevailing prayer - of Abraham pleading for Sodom, Jacob wrestling in the stillness of the night, Moses standing in the breach, Hannah intoxicated with sorrow, David heartbroken with remorse and grief, Jesus in sweat of blood. Such prayer prevails. It turns ordinary mortals into men of power. It brings power. It brings fire. It brings rain. It brings life. It brings God. - Samuel Chadwick

Best definition of pray I know? Cry. – Charles Spurgeon

Hold fast to the Author and Perfecter of our faith!
In Him we stand!
Erika